Spiritual Orphans

Her tiny cry pierced the air in the not so quiet Goodwill late Saturday afternoon. Not many people seemed to notice, but my eyes darted quickly around the room to find the source and my lips formed into a small smile.

She was brand new.

I passed her several times while browsing the skirts, checking the shoes and waiting for those who were shopping with me. The women attending her were of various ages and the sort of people one might label rough.

Her small, helpless, pleading cry continued.

The woman holding her carelessly flopped her around while scolding, "Hush up, quit crying." The one who appeared to be the Mother acted put out, but completely uncaring as she poked at the purses on the wall and advised her Companions coming out of the dressing room. The Holder walked around impatiently patting her on the back with more force than most would ever dream of using on one so little.

And her little cry grew louder in my heart.

Everything in my soul wanted to give her comfort and love like she had never known before. My arms ached with every cry to hold her and give her, even for a moment, a sense of security. My mind began imagining the life she will lead, the people that will be around her and the type of love that will be shown to her.

She is not the only one crying for love.

How many brand new ones are there desperate for love? How many will hear harsh words when all they need is a tender song? How many are lonely? How many are afraid?

There are many brand new ones, little people, children who will grow up spiritual orphans. They will have parents, but no love. They will have food, but no nourishment. They will cry and who will listen?

These times of grave insight and, what I believe is to me, visions of how God sees the world are few and far between. I am grateful when God gives them. When I am tempted to fall into a pattern of mediocrity or apathy it is like He grabs my shoulders, looks into my face and firmly commands, "Open your eyes! Wake up!"

Her cry will continue to echo in my heart.

God's Compassion

Bethany Dillon's music has been speaking to me more the last month or so than anyone else I have listened to lately. She is very insightful and I am sure, sometimes, that she is writing about me!

"Be Near Me"

by Bethany Dillon

~~~

I follow all the rules

Well, at least I'm trying

Hoping when my days are through

You'll be pleased

~~~

I've lived the longest days

Thinking my heart was so bad

Too scared to look in your face

Oh, if only I had

~~~

[Bridge:]

And is it alright

If I stay here all night

By the shoreline

~~~

[Chorus:]

I cannot believe you are angry or unjust

You've done nothing but have compassion on us

So be near me when I've given up

Be near me

~~~

I'm just like everyone else

We are all hiding

Acting like I have a wealth

Of knowledge and peace

~~~

But all I've ever wanted

And what men have given their lives for

Is a God who understands my weaknesses

A God that I can love

~~~

[Bridge]

[Chorus]

~~~

I believe you are good and righteous

You've given me your reckless love

So be near, be near...

~~~

[Bridge]
[Chorus]

~~~

I have recently been reminded of areas of insecurity that I have. It is not a new revelation, but as I think about it this time I am able to see more of the core in my heart. Many times I am not sure where the emotions or feelings come from- they just happen- and sometimes without the slightest warning.

I believe, with all my heart, that unbelief in God's promises is the sin that causes every other sin. When I take my eyes off of Him, His love, His mercy, His grace and His forgiveness I am bound to be miserable one way or another.

Yesterday in our morning devotion Wendell (my boss) read the following quote:

"I think I can trace every scrap of sorrow in my life to this simple unbelief. How could I be anything but quite happy if I believed always that all the past is forgiven, and all the present furnished with power, and all the future bright with hope because of the same abiding facts which don't change with my mood, do not stumble because I totter and stagger at the promise through unbelief, but stand firm and clear with their peaks of pearl cleaving the air of Eternity and the basis of their hills rooted unfathomably in the Rock of God. Mount Blanc does not become a phantom or a mist because a climber grows dizzy on its side."

~James Smetham~

He is so right.

And God is so compassionate. He is so patient.

Beyond the Original

The last few months I have noticed something about our society: people are so unoriginal! There is nothing new under the sun so I am not talking about that kind of unoriginality.

Let me explain.

I am sure, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I have been asked the same set of questions at least 300 times the last few months. No kidding. It goes like this:

Pre-wedding:
"How is the wedding planning going?"

AND/OR

"Are you excited?"

Now, tell me, what are the answers to those questions? The majority of the people who asked the first question were not inquiring with a desire to help and usually just wanted an avenue to share their wedding planning advice. I certainly did not mind their input, but it just got tiring facing it day after day.

The second question is even more comical. It poses two problems for me-1. I am mostly an introvert. When I am excited I do not jump up and down with glee like some might. I felt like some doubted my excitement to marry Joel and took it as a concern they needed to address. 2. The simple and yet truthful answer, "yes," seems too boring. Therefore, I always wanted to figure out what else they wanted to know about my excitement or explain why my excitement looks like this: :-) instead of this :-D.

Post-Wedding:
"Did you get the Swine Flu?"

"How is married life treating you?"

AND/OR

"Do you still love him?"

I guess the Swine Flu was a big scare while we were gone to Mexico on our honeymoon. I have one thing to say about that: the American Media must have been bored. The second question, wow, I am not sure what to even say. Joel and I have decided to never ask a newly married person that question.

First, "married life" is an inanimate idea which cannot do anything to us that we do not allow it to do. Again, the simple and yet truthful answer, "good," seems too boring for me. I have tried to come up with some good responses like, "God is teaching me a lot," "It's been fun," etc., but those are unoriginal answers to unoriginal questions and that is worse than asking unoriginal questions! ::Sigh:: There is no way to win here!

The last question of wanting to know if I still love him is just, well, strange. What if I said "no"? What would people do? My flesh wants to answer harshly with, "What kind of a dumb question is that? Of course I still love him!" My piety wants to answer, "I vowed to love him so I never will not love him. Love is not a feeling anyway." I just smile and give them the simple and yet truthful answer, "Yes, of course I still love him."

This is not the first time (nor will it be the last... pregnancy is worse I bet!) I have experienced people's lack of originality in question-asking. I guess, this time, it just struck me different as I learn and grow in how I want to relate to people. I am not, in any way, doubting the sincerity of the people who asked me unoriginal questions. I just want to know the heart. I want people to know I care about their feelings, emotions and spiritual well-being. I want to encourage them to follow Christ through the situations in their lives.

There IS one question, though, that I will NEVER get tired of being asked and will continue to ask, "What is God teaching you?" That question can be edited to fit any situation and needs to be asked more than it is.

Jesus was the master of asking the right question at the right time. I am sure he participated in humanly necessary questions like, "How are you? Where is the bathroom? Where is Mary?" Or maybe not, since he knew the answer already... The questions Jesus asked were meant for the hearers and aimed right at the core of their being.

As I got weary of people asking me these questions I thought, "What questions would Jesus ask me at this time in my life? What questions are there in Scripture that I need to asnwer?"

Leaders Are Readers

Joel and I both love to read and, if time allowed, would read all day long. Last Saturday we decided to go look at garage sales to see what we could find, which is kind of odd for two people who hate junk and will have little belongings. We set out at 8:30am.

We discovered that there are four main things people are getting rid of- baby stuff, VHS tapes, the most random junk and books. After buying a handful of books at garage sales we decided to also stop in at a little used book store neither of us had ever visited.

We bought the following (plus some!):

My Husband

I have a husband. His name is Joel. He is amazing. He is definately not perfect, mind you, but has qualities and a depth of character that few men I know can match.

There is a conversation Joel and I had that I will never forget. It was at the beginning of our courtship and it went something like this:

Joel: "You know, Jaclyn, I don't need you."

Jaclyn: "That's good. I don't need you either."

Joel: "My happiness does not depend on you, nor will I let it be based on you. If you decided tomorrow that you did not want to marry me- my life would not be ruined. My first love is Christ and my purpose is found in Him. I don't want a wife just to have a cook and a maid. I believe God has called us together to do more than that for Him."

Jaclyn: "I agree."

I am not sure why I was thinking about it this morning, but I had to smile. That conversation is such a reflection of who we are. And we love each other more because of conversations like it.

We do not need each other. We can be just as happy alone. Our hope and purpose in life is not, nor should it ever be based on one another. If we live with that idea then we run the risk of placing unrealistic expections on people to meet needs that only God Himself can fill in us.

Still, two are better than one. Marriage is designed by God to be the picture of Christ and the Church to the world. We cannot do that alone. Marriage was designed to produce children. We cannot do that alone.

So we do need each other, but our need is not based on us. Our need and desire for one another is so that God may be more glorified in our lives and in this world that so desperately needs Him.

Don't worry, we love each other very much! I belive we have a better and stronger love than those who feel the love that seeks to only please self. I cannot wait until we have been married 5, 10, 15, 25 years and know what true love really looks like.

Jeannie, a woman who has been a mentor to me for over a year now, shared, "You know, Jaclyn, we remember what it was like to be in love the first few years of marriage. It's nice. We have been married 40 years now, though, and love each other more than we ever have before. We would never want to trade what we have now for the young love we had then. It's so weak."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"This (marriage) is a profound mystery—

but I am talking about Christ and the church."

Ephesians 5:32

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Blogging Something

So I set up an alarm on my work email for 10AM daily that says, "Blog something" and so far I have ignored it for 3 days. I thought that if I set up a reminder and just got into the habit of thinking about blogging that I magically would start blogging again.

::Sigh::

I think it will be harder than that! :-)

Today has been a good day so far, but my head so desperately wants its pillow. I had lunch with one of my best friends, Darrah, which was truly delightful. Tonight Joel and I will go to the pizza dinner here at OMF with the new missionary candidates.

It was good to talk to Darrah. I have not seen her since the wedding! (Sad, sad!) She made me think about all that has happened in my life the last 2 months. Wow.

I have been reading Hebrews and studying John 15-17 lately. I have also just started a Bible study on Prayer and am reading a compilation of Andrew Murray's writings called, "Teach Me to Pray." Sunday mornings Pastor Ed is taking us through Acts, Joel is leading 1 John with the Jr. High kids, the leaders are reading 1 Timothy, Wednesday night Louie is teaching Titus and Joel and I are picking our way slowly through Psalms. How wonderful it is to be covered with the Word of God. And still I crave more. I cannot get enough. I want to know it inside and out. It want it to be apart of who I am.

So far to go... but, hey, as C.S. Lewis would say, "Further up and further in!"

Here Goes Nothing

::Cough:: Yes, it has been months, again.

I have been through tax season, wedding planning, a wedding, a honeymoon and seven weeks of marriage since I have written here. What a journey it has been!

So, what is there to say that has not already been said by thousands of other people in the course of humanity? Who cares about what I think enough to read this blog? Does it have a purpose? If so, what?

I am a person that likes to have a purpose to all I do- including blogging. Is this blog a place where people are encouraged and God is glorified? Is it just to show off accomplishments, share pictures, make funny quips or rant about how miserable life is?

If so, then I will shut this blog down immediately. Life is too short for that.

God is teaching me a lot right now and I would love to think that me sharing what He is doing in my life will encourage someone. Only He knows.

Unbelieveable

I cannot believe how slack I have become in blogging. Blogging is an interesting thing, anyway, and I think I lost interest in sharing my thoughts with the world.

Yet, I feel like I learn better when I am writing. I wish I could write and keep it simple, but when I get going I do not want to stop... and then it take hours to post one entry (which is why I stopped writing, to some degree.)

I also stopped writing because so much was happening in my life and it was impossible to document it all. I wish I had, to some degree, and then again, some things are better left confined to the heart.

Can I pick it up again? Can I keep it simple?

We'll see...

Meditations Today

I am a thinker. I like to chew on an idea, a verse, a quote or a topic for a long time. I probably think and rethink things too much. As much as I think about things, though, does not mean I am trying to make up my mind. I usually have a decisive, quick and reasonable arguement for or against the thing I am pondering, just ask anyone who knows me well. (Dawn!) It annoys me when people say they do not have a position on a topic (like politics, of late)- I find that to be virtually and logically impossible, especially when in the next breath they are able to come up with a position. And I think, "See, that wasn't hard now was it?"

Anyway, I have been thinking. And thinking. And rethinking.

So, I thought I would share what I have been thinking about today. It may interest you and it may not. In my desire to blog more, it just seemed like a good place to start and to let you inside my brain. That is the weird thing about blogging- I broadcast it on the internet and you read it!

1- Several years ago I found A Challenge to Women. I have mentioned it several times since I began blogging (like here). I continue to read and use it as a constant reminder of what I want to be. Today's Challenges are this:

8. That, if I am single, I exploit my singleness to the full in
devotion to Christ and not be paralyzed by the desire to be married.

9. That, if I am married, I creatively and intelligently and sincerely support the leadership of my husband as deeply as obedience to Christ will allow; that I encourage him in his God-appointed role as head; that I influence him spiritually primarily through my fearless tranquility and holiness and prayer.

Now, here are several of my thoughts on challenge #8:

1. I am single still- in the sense that I am not married.
2. I am not single- in the sense that I have no idea who I may marry.
3. There is no gaurantee that I am going to marry the man that I am courting.
4. How can I use the singleness I have left to the fullest?
5. Have I used the past years of singleness to the fullest?

The last question I try to not ponder too much because I have no control, at this point, on what I did in the past. I have to trust that God will use what I did to His glory and forgive me for any missed opportunities. His Kingdom will still go on as planned. The reason I ponder it is to learn from my mistakes and know how to better encourage completely single women (not married and no man in the picture!).

My thoughts today are focused mainly on, "How can I use the singleness I have left to the fullest?" It is a tough question to answer. First, I have no idea how long it will be until I am married. So, in many ways, every moment needs to be used to its max. Second, I already see how being in a relationship with a man, heading towards marriage, distracts me from serving the Lord. My mind has a lot more factors to consider than I did 5 months ago. My time, attention and desires are divided. Third, there is a hard balance between remaining an individual because we are NOT yet married and at the same time uniting our purpose into one as we head towards marriage.

Now, here are several of my thoughts on challenge #9:

1. I am not married.
2. I may be married soon. (As C.S. Lewis says, "God calls all times soon.")
3. I have a good idea of who I am going to marry.
4. How can I be learning to do the things outlined in challenge 9 right now in preparation for marriage?
5. Who can help me prepare for the role of wife?

Again, I struggle to find a balance between challenge 8 and 9. I am in the middle and need a challenge 8.5, I think! I feel that I need preparation for marriage without assuming that I will be married. Does that make sense?

Part of me feels like I was better prepared for marriage 5 years ago while the other part of me is quick to argue that is not true. The last 2 years I pushed marriage out of my mind in many ways, which was good and bad. Now, though, I wonder if I could have done more to prepare for marriage. Like my thoughts on challenge 8, I will not dwell on what I could have done differently. I must trust God and obey Him now.

The last few weeks I have been thinking and learning a lot about prayer. At this time in my life and my relationship with Joel I feel God focusing my attention on what it means to pray. Not pray. Pray, truly pray. What does it mean to throw all of my dependence on God in prayer- for myself and for others? It is the bedrock of a solid marriage, I am convinced. I want to be the best wife this world has ever seen. There are no books or conferences that can replace a communion with God by prayer for a relationship (any relationship!). It is my prayer that God would teach me how to pray... really pray... as I prepare to be a wife.

The Knowledge of the Holy- Chapter 2

The title of chapter 2, "God Incomprehensible," is enough to deeply challenge a soul to know more of God and cause that same soul to realize God can never be fully known. The fact that God cannot be fully known does not mean that we throw up our hands and say, "Well, then, I am not even going to try." No, it should cause us to desire Him more intimately than ever before. It is a wonder that He would create us and then reveal Himself to us. Our lives should be devoted to knowing Him and making Him known to others.

Truly, what else matters?

Excerpts from chapter 2:

• In Thy Presence silence best becomes us, but love inflames our hearts and constrains us to speak.
• ...God is not like anything; that is, He is not exactly like anything or anbody. We learn by using what we already know as a bridge over which we pass to the unknown. It is not possible for the mind to crash suddenly past the familiar into the totally unfamiliar.
• When the Scripture states that man was made in the image of God, we dare not add to that statement an idea from our own head and make it mean "in the exact image." To do so is to make man a replica of God, and that is to lose the unicity of God and end with no God at all.
• ...whatever we visualize God to be, He is not, for we have constructed our image out of that which He has made and what He has made is not God.
• If all this sounds strange to modern ears, it is only because we have for a full half century [the book was written in 1961] taken God for granted.
• If what we conceive God to be He is not, how then shall we think of Him? If He is indeed incomprehensible, as the Creed declares Him to be, and unapproachable, as Paul says He is, how can we Christians satisfy our longing after Him?
• The yearning to know What cannot be known, to comprehend the Incomprehensible, to touch and taste the Unapproachable, arises from the image of God in the nature of man. Deep calleth unto deep, and though polluted and landlocked by the mighty disaster theologians call the Fall, the soul senses its origin and longs to return to its Source.
• "What is God like? If by that question we mean "What is God like in Himself?" there is no answer. If we mean "What has God disclosed about Himself that the reverent reason can comprehend" there is, I believe, and answer both full and satisfying.

So, praise Him that He chose to reveal parts of Himself to us. And spend the rest of your life knowing Him and making Him known. It's the only thing that lasts.

What Not to Write?

It has been a long time, again, I know.

I remember the days when I was able to blog three, four or five times a week. The last few years as my life schedule has changed I have found myself forgetting to blog. It is not like I do not have anything to talk about, I do. It is just hard to put it into words. It is not that I do not have things to say, I do. It is more like there is less and less time to say them.

God continues to mold me into His image. There is a lot that needs changed, trust me. The older I get the more I see how far I fall short and just how desperately I need a Savior.

So, when there is no time to say anything else, I will leave it at that... and hope to remember to blog before another month passes.

The Face of Life

"Now listen, you who say, "Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money." Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, "If it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this or that." As it is, you boast and brag. All such boasting is evil.

Anyone, then, who knows the good he ought to do and doesn't do it, sins."

James 4:13-17

Cancer. Car accidents. Death of a child.

It affects us all.

There is no person who has ever lived that has not had to face a tragedy, whether directly or indirectly. I have never been hit by a car (yet). Ann Marie has. I have never had cancer (yet). Luba has. I have never had child die (yet). Suzanne has.

Many times I sit back and wonder why some people have had to go through such physically painful experiences and why my life has been, at least from a physical perspective, easy. My life is not over, yet, so I know that there is as much opportunity as anyone else for me to have cancer, be in a car accident or suffer the death of a child. At this time, though, my thoughts are some where else. How do I comfort? How do I encourage? How do I help?

When Ann Marie tells me they might amputate her legs... what can I do? When Luba shares that she has stomach cancer... what can I do? When a missionary family looses a son... what can I do?

God is in control. It is true. And I believe it with all my heart. It is in these times when my faith is put to the test on behalf of others. It is in these times that I cry out to God from the deepest part of my soul.

It is also, as James says, arrogant for me to plan my days as if I am in control. I could die tomorrow. I could lose my leg, my eye, my child, my job, my money and my life. Where is my hope based? It is based in the reality that all things perish except Christ. Only what is done for Him, by Him and through Him will last.

The Knowledge of the Holy- Chapter 1

The Knowledge of the Holy has proven to be the best book I have ever read in my entire life. It is so simple, straightforward and God-centered, but it is also not a self-help, feel good and mindless read.

The title of chapter 1, "Why We Must Think Rightly About God" lets you know that 1- if you are not thinking rightly about God that you need to, and 2- that thinking rightly about God is very important. I could not agree more.

So, here are some excerpts from this foundational chapter-

• The history of mankind will probably show that no people has ever risen about its religion, and man's spiritual history will positively demonstrate that no religion has ever been greater than its idea of God.
• All the problems of heaven and earth, though they were to confront us together and at once, would be nothing compared with the overwhelming problem of God: That He is; what He is like; and what we as moral being must do about Him.
• The man who comes to a right belief about God is relieved of ten thousand temporal problems, for he sees at once that these have to do with matters which at the most cannot concern him for very long; but even if the multiple burdens of time may be lifted for him, the one mighty single burden of eternity begins to press down upon him with a weight more crushing than all the woes of the world piled on upon another.
• Low views of God destroy the gospel for all who hold them.
• Wrong ideas about God are not only the fountain from which the polluted waters of idolatry flow; they are themselves idolatrous.
• We do the greatest service to the next generation of Christians by passing on to them undimmed and undiminished that noble concept of God which we received from our Hebrew and Christian fathers of generations past.

Summer Reading

The Knowledge of the Holy by A.W. Tozer is a book that I have known about and wanted to read for many years. Last year I found a copy at the Arc Thrift store for $1.99, so I bought it. Sadly, it sat on my bookshelf, lonely and unread until this summer. As I was preparing to go to Central Asia I wanted to take a book that would be easy to read and yet be spiritually nourishing. As I skimmed the chapters in this book I realized they are small, to the point and extremely powerful, so I took it with me.

What an encouraging book it has been for me right now!

The first sentence in the preface was so stunning and powerful that I thought, "This is going to be amazing!" Tozer proclaims:

• True religion confronts earth with heaven and brings eternity to bear upon time.

It only gets better from there!

• The low view of God entertained almost universally among Christians is the cause of a hundred lesser evils everywhere among us.
• It is impossible to keep our moral practices sound and our inward attitudes right while our idea of God is erroneous or inadequate.

Yes, Tozer, I agree. Thank you for stating it so plainly.

And that is just the Preface.

It is my goal to take one chapter at a time and give you a few of my favorite quotes. As I have read it my awe and fear of God has been renewed. He is Holy and if we are to be holy we must first know the Holy One in all of His attributes.

Go buy it. It is worth every penny.

Because I was Tagged

Dawn tagged me to do this! Here it goes!

Rules: You must answer the questions using only one word. Then tag four others.

1. Where is your cell phone? Purse
2. Your significant other? Jesus :-P
3. Your hair? Curly
4. Your mother? Friend
5. Your father? Huggable
6. Your favorite thing? Bible
7. Your dream last night? None
8. Your favorite drink? Water
9. Your dream/goal? Travel
10. The room you’re in? Office
11. Your hobby? Reading
12. Your fear? Meaninglessness
13. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Home
14. What you’re not? Perfect
15. Muffins? Bran
16. One of your wish list items? Laptop
17. Where you grew up? Colorado
18. The last thing you did? Eat
19. What are you wearing? Skirt
20. Favorite gadget? Camera
21. Your pets? Never
22. Your computer? None
23. Your mood? Expectant
24. Missing someone? Dawn
25. Your car? Isuzu
26. Something you’re not wearing? Hat
27. Favorite store? Cheap
28. Like someone? Yes
29. Your favorite color? Purple
30. When is the last time you laughed? Yesterday
31. Last time you cried? Today

I tag: Darrah, Cheryl, Ann Marie and Dale

Alive

Yes, it is true. I am alive and well.

At about 2PM today I hit a wall of tiredness from jet lag and I am ready for bed. It is, after all, 3AM in the place where I have just spent 2 weeks. ::YAWN::

There is so much to say about life, missions, ministry, dreams, convictions, happenings and fears. I am sorry that I have become so lazy in posting. I really do miss writing and communicating my thoughts to whoever reads my blog. Maybe if I wrote more often people would read what I have to say.

God has been teaching me a lot about what it means to walk in confidence. People have always said I was a confident person- from the time I was a little girl. Those that know me well love and appreciate my confidence in who God is, what I believe and who God has made me. Those that do not know me well call it arrogance and pride. There is a temptation inside me to buckle under their criticism and question my God-given confidence. The enemy wants me to believe that my confidence is pride.

And I know that there is a fine line between confidence and pride, so please do not go, "see she is arrogant!" As I have learned about confidence I have also come to understand true humility. People have told me that I need to be more humble and others have said that I am the most humble person they know. Both of those statements are from God and are given to produce humility.

God has also been teaching me much about leadership. As I led the trip overseas I was faced with many times where my ability to make decisions was stretched. It was soooo good! Leaders have to make unpopular decisions. Leaders are able to encourage people when they are frustrated. Leaders have to trust that God knows what He is doing. Leaders have to remain steadfast when the people are complaining.

Leadership, confidence and humility are inseperable. All three are gifts from God. All three feed well off of the others. You cannot be a good leader if you are not confident. You cannot be confident without humility. You cannot be a good leader without humility. Leadership produces humility because you leave yourself wide open for criticism.

Ahh, there is so much more. I praise God for what He is teaching me. Hopefully I will find more time to write in the weeks to come now that so much is behind me. :-)

Not Sure

So I say "soon I will post..." and then five weeks pass.

A lot has happened in my life since that post about the church. I have been to Maryland and Pennsylvania. I went through tax season and came out alive. I went to Vince and Meg's wedding. I cried. I laughed. I slept. I ate.

Life. It is amazing.

The Church

Very soon I will publish some posts about missions as a continuation of what I started a few weeks ago, but for now I need to tell you something. The last few weeks God has been doing a beautiful work in my heart in regards to the church.

For several reasons, which I will not get into right now, I have had a hard time getting involved at my parent's church. I really miss my little church in Fort Collins. The church my parents have been at for 2 years, and I 1, is large and until recently been full of strangers to me. The Word is faithfully preached and it seems that new believers are added every week. I praise God for those two things, for the churches I have been in the last 10 years, besides the church in Fort Collins, did not have either.

The beginning of December I was really struggling with my attitude towards the church. I was very critical, disinterested and apathetic. The last thing I wanted to do was go to church, be with a bunch of strangers and introduce myself to people who would forget me by next week.

A horrible attitude, I know.

Thankfully, very thankfully, God changed my heart. In my arrogance I could not even see that God was calling me to serve. It was easier to sit back and complain about how things should be done. Then, it was as if God spanked my backside and said, "Shape up. I love my Bride and you should, too." Funny thing, I thought I did love the Church because I complained about how She should be. Funny too, how complaining doesn't help fix anything.

The following song was instrumental (ha!) in really sealing the conviction I had already felt. Read the lyrics carefully and think about God singing this to you-

The Church
by Derek Webb
On the album She Must and Shall Go Free

i have come with one purpose
to capture for myself a bride
by my life she is lovely
by my death she’s justified
i have always been her husband
though many lovers she has known
so with water i will wash her
and by my word alone

so when you hear the sound of the water
you will know you’re not alone

(chorus)
‘cause i haven’t come for only you
but for my people to pursue
you cannot care for me with no regard for her
if you love me
you will love the church

i have long pursued her
as a harlot and a whore
but she will feast upon me
she will drink and thirst no more
so when you taste my flesh and my blood
you will know you’re not alone

(chorus)

there is none that can replace her
though there are many who will try
and though some may be her bridesmaids
they can never be my bride

(chorus)

What am I willing to do for the Church to see her pure, Christ-centered, discipled and serving Jesus? That is what God has been asking me. Right now I only have a partial answer and have started getting involved where I can use some gifts and passion.

I love you, Church!

(Thanks, too, to my mom and dad for challenging me outside of myself, to Dawn who always has to endure my complaining and to Joel for giving me a fresh perspective!)

A Birthday

The last few days I have been trying to publish this post and Blogger was not letting me upload pictures. Finally, it worked!

On Monday a little boy, Judah, turned 2 years old. He is dear to me, not so much for who he is, but for who his parents are. I have spent very little time with Judah and yet hours with his parents.

I met Matt E. in April 1999. In order to make an extremely long story short, we met, became good friends almost instantly, he went to college, met Dawn and fell in love with her, introduced Dawn and I, and now she is the dearest friend I have outside of my family.

Jaclyn and Matt in January of 2001-

a picture taken after we had been laughing hysterically

Dawn is amazing. Her constant friendship the last 7 years (give or take a few months) has been none other than a gift from God. I've posted sappy things about her before, so I will spare you too much more of that. :-)

So, on Monday she celebrated her son's birthday. Me, well, I celebrated Matt and Dawn. It has been a wonderful journey to be apart of and watch from, sadly, a distance. I will never forget the excitement in her voice when she called me exclaiming, "I'm pregnant!"

Many emotions flooded my heart and mind. Dawn, pregnant!?! It was amazing and impossible at the same time. This girl had giggled with me about things girls discuss, shared hard times, admitted faults, rebuked me in love and we had talked about everything under the sun. I had been engaged and unengaged before she and Matt were even engaged. And we had shared it all. Laughter and tears.

Now, she was going to be a mother.

We began talking pregnancy, morning sickness, body changes, labor, delivery, parenting, sleepless nights, nursing, hip pain, doctors appointments, baby names and hormone shifts.

Jaclyn and Dawn- May 2006

Dawn and her first-born son, Judah, when he was but a few weeks old.

Dawn and Judah a few days before he turned 2

Now she has TWO sons, has been married almost 4 years, has moved several times and was able to visit Colorado once! She is an amazing wife, mother, homemaker, sister, friend and follower of Christ. I admire her in more ways than I can even begin to count.

And Matt, well, who knew it would lead to this after meeting 9 years ago? (NINE!) He has been a constant friend through some very hard times. He is a godly husband and father. I respect him very much and it only grows more as the years pass.

Matt, Judah and Elijah!

So, HAPPY BIRTHDAY, Judah!

And, well done, Mom and Dad E. May your children arise and call you blessed because of your love for the Lord. May your home be a light for Christ. May those around you give you honor because you are people who love Him! May your home be full of laughter, mercy, generousity, faith, love, purity and Godly offspring (at least a few more...)!

Love to you all!

An Earthly Goodbye

Caroline Stickley, center above, could enter the presence of Jesus any time now. What a wonderfully magnificent thought. And sad, too.

We, myself, Ben and Ann Marie, met Caroline last September when we visited some of OMF's retired missionaries in Pennsylvania. She is an amazing woman.

More on her later, when I have time, and as a tribute.